The first month at home with our newborn was…the closest thing to sleep-deprivation torture that I’ve ever experienced. Yet most of my gorgeously glamours friends with new babies would post updates on Facebook, exclaiming how “overjoyed” and “simply beautiful” this time is. Ah ha, sure it is… but what aren’t you saying, you sneaky dog you?! The rest of us are here thinking it’s all sunshine and lolly-pops!
Well, from one new mummy to you, I can say with poo-covered certainty, that it’s not as charming as they’d have you believe all the time.
So without further delay, here’s my ten [crass] updates that new parents don’t tend to share about the first month with a newborn:
I haven’t showered for a week, but on the upside I’ve got really good at quick armpit and vaginal washing. Something to add to my list of new life skills.
|Too tired for nouns. Communicating with my husband goes like this “please pass me that thing, there, next to that, no – below that pile, with the things on it, no – under that! Yes, no, yes, that one!”. The poor bastard.|
|My boobs can’t believe all the attention they’re getting. And no unfortunately, not the sexy kind of attention, the national geographic, baby suckling, forever leaking, can’t remember the last time I used a t-shirt, my husband will never look at me the same, kind.|
|Pretty sure all the techniques found in baby books work perfectly, well unless you’re actually trying them on a baby that is. I’d like the author of The Happiest Baby on the Block to try the “Calming Reflex” on our baby, then he’ll know what terror really is.|
|Slept so little over the past three weeks that I’m feeling a tad delirious, almost looks like some white fluid is pouring out my chest and spilling over my baby, the floor, the bed… the whole freaking milk covered house. Anyone found the off-switch for these things?|
|Not sure it’s healthy that I have to repeat Robert Downey Jr’s quote twice before venturing into the supermarket at 11am, aka “the grandparent hour”. “Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever the f you were gonna do anyway”.|
|Have just tried another extreme sport – driving a car with my newborn baby in the back for the first time. I discovered curse-words that haven’t even been invented yet.|
|“I’m really craving pumpkin soup”, said no new parents cleaning up baby poo, ever!|
|I swear my baby’s sole mission is to piss and crap on adults. That’s another point to you small human. Touché.|
|Well that was an interesting discovery, having sex for the first time after having a baby is like losing your virginity all over again.|
Despite the humour above, having a baby is a lovely thing – particularly now that Annabelle has crossed the three-month mark, home of smiles, coos, and interaction. Bless the lord that they’re not newborn babies for ever I say!
“I can’t think why mothers love them. All babies do is leak at both ends –Douglas Feaver