…Or in my head, I should say.
Strangely enough, today I noticed an odd pattern with when I feel nauseous. It is usually after someone I am really fond of gets hurt, or leaves my life in someway. I didn’t realise the pattern until today, when a pending departure of someone I have become very fond of, occurred to me.
I would guess that around 80% of people who know me wouldn’t have heard me complain about anything, from the moment we met, (but sometimes I save it up for a few close, close friends – sorry if that is you ;)). That’s because I don’t like to feel bad, I prefer to will myself happy or change the situation in the hopes of getting the most out of life. The “victim”, “woe is me” mentality, is a state that I have no time for, not from the people around me. A victim mentality, nastiness towards others, inconsiderateness and cross-gender dressing, ok maybe not the last one, (unless it’s a guy, and he looks hotter than me – that’s a problem), is the trifecta in terms of turning me off, fast. Conversely when I find friends who are extra kind, considerate and proactive with their lives… well I’m probably going to form a little girl crush and love them forever. It doesn’t matter if I haven’t seen them in years, I’ll happily let them back into my life and love them like they never left.
So of course I want to be as awesome as the upbeat and positive people I have as friends. Thus, when I feel negative, I try and rationalise the heck out of it, and decide not to feel that way. My sister once warned me when she witnessed how I responded to some frustrating news. She looked at me right in the eyes, and I’ll never forget this, she told me “be careful holding onto your emotions like that, it might build up inside of you and grow into cancer”. Maybe she’s onto something. Maybe in my case, if I don’t deal with my negative emotions they will make me feel physically sick, in their hopes of finding a way to come out.
There really is so much social pressure to control our emotions today, and for good reason of course. To be rational. To be consistent. To act professionally. Unless you’re Lady Gaga, it’s not cool to be erratic. But maybe we’re swallowing too many emotions in order to comply to whatever the social ideal is. Maybe we care too much about our personal brand management. Maybe if we just supress our negative feelings they will build up and turn into some type of cancer one day, or at least for me, some type of mild nausea.